Coming Soon My favorite spot on “The Man Show” is ‘Movies Men Don’t Want To See‘. I think there needs to be an expansion on this theme for both genders. I thought of a few in my political science class today … Tony Blair Witch Project John Major Payne Moby Dick Chaney It Came Upon A Blue Dress, Dear
(to a nightmare near you …)
England’s Prime Minister goes into the ladies room in search of a real politician and is never seen again. A snot covered tape is found a year later.
This Major takes a group of misfits from the House of Commons and puts them through a boot camp where they steal the House of Lords’ gavel.
This bad little monkey tried crack, threw a few punches and jacked up The Man In The Yellow Hat’s gas prices.
“Call me Ishmael. Then bring me my heart pills.”
A Gap dress is stained and the fate of a nation is forever changed.
Month: May 2001
True Confession
I grew up in a town named Climax and my last name is Woodie.
(I didn’t have a chance of avoiding therapy.)
Annoying Tricks of the Day Sniff incessantly.
(take your pick!)
(If you really want to have fun with this, sniff around the area/room and then look suspiciously at people.)
Drum on every available surface.
(This is one of those things that you can do, but that you can plead ignorance if called on it. Especially effective if you are madat someone and trying to grate on their nerves.)
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
(We should have done this for savvy yesterday.)
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
(You would be amazed at how often this works.)
Did You Know
As a child, Queen Victoria was trained to keep her chin up.
A sprig of holly was placed beneath her collar.
(How they trained her to sit up straight is another story!) 
Annoying Tricks of the Day Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
(Other than work, school, the car pool and the dinner table, try doing this while waiting in the doctor or dentist’s office. This usually gets you called in faster.)
(The people at Office Depot are particularly fond of this. This is wonderful if you have several people spread throughout the store.)
True Confession
This
game is really affecting me. I was out driving around last night and some jerk in a land yacht cut me off. Before I could even think I yelled. “DOWN!”(The preceding was not a complaint about said game, but merely an observation on my part.)
Print Shop Stories
Mitch in Costume
Mitch was a never-ending source of dirt on all of the employees at the print shop. He told me within my first week about Beth and her couch, about Liz and her particular fetishes and about how the company secretary married the owner’s brother and became a sales rep within 48 hours. If you pointed to a person, Mitch could tell you who they had slept with, their children’s names, what other places their previous employers and how many fillings they had on their last dentist visit. I thought at first he was making things up, but I learned quickly that he knew his trivia.
The morning of my first Halloween at the company, an errand led me past Mitch’s booth. As usual I peeked in to wave hello. That morning I stopped dead in my tracks. Mitch was looking up at me with a handmade paper window, complete with cloth curtians, taped to his forhead. He had also drawn up a police badge and taped it to his shirt with the city name and ‘Peeping Tom Division’ written underneath. I asked him what in the HELL was he doing with that thing on his head. He told me it was a window and that he was “going as Polly’s husband” for Halloween.
Polly was one of the salespeople in the shop. Her husband was on the police force and had been caught peeking into people’s windows the night before. Not only did Mitch know this, but I later saw the newspaper article. I felt sorry for the lady, despite her being the bitch that she was.
I tried to scold Mitch, but it wasn’t a very effective sermon. I busted out laughing at the silly bastard halfway through. It’s not easy to yell at someone for being a jerk while they stare at you behind paper panes with a straight face. This is especially difficult if they are cleaning themselves with Glass Plus, as he was at the time.
to be continued …
Previous posts:
Nekkid Noodles, Miss Halloween pt 1, Miss Halloween pt 2, Meeting Mitch.
Here ya go MaggieGirl:
Print Shop Stories
Meeting Mitch
I first heard about Mitch about thirty seconds into my first day at the print shop. I was asked, “Have you met Mitch?” I replied something to the effect of, “I don’t think so.” I was quickly told, “If had, you would know.” My God, was that the truth.
Mitch was around six feet tall, big beer gut, mostly bald with a little white hair around the bottom edges of his head. His nose had been broken and was pointing slightly left. He had a little, perfectly trimmed moustache and a permanent smirk on his face. He walked tall, proud and with almost a swagger. I would have guessed at first glance that Mitch was about fifty years old, but the devious twinkle in his eye whispered that he was really thirteen.
I didn’t have to find Mitch. Mitch found me. He swaggered into my room and asked, “Aren’t you gonna take a lunch break like the rest of us?” I said that of course, when I was ready to, I would. He raised his eyebrows, turned on his heels and walked out. I heard him snort under his breath.
When I finally got to the lunch room is was packed. There was no where to sit except … you guessed it … with Mitch. That was one of the strangest hours of my life. This man started picking apart every person who walked into the room as soon as they left. Some people hung on nervously chewing and rechewing their food hoping that he would leave before they did. No one seemed immune to his remarks.
I had nibbled down my sandwich to nearly nothing and finally threw the last bite in my mouth. I decided to take my chances with the big guy. I stood up, threw away my Mt. Dew can, tossed the baggie from my sandwich and turned to face Mitch. I looked him the eyes and said, “Well, I think you’ve talked about everyone but me in this company so I’m going to leave and let you have your shot. Enjoy.” I couldn’t believe I had actually had the guts to say it, but there it was. The words seemed to float in the air waiting for my exit before they would land anywhere near him. I walked out the room and stomped down the hall loudly.
I tiptoed back. I put my ear near the edge of the door and listened. I heard an eruption of laughter. I gritted my teeth and waited to hear what he would say. After the laughter died down I got my response.
“I like her. She’s spunky.”
to be continued … perhaps later today.
Previous posts:
Nekkid Noodles,
Did You Know
The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years.
(I wouldn’t suggest trying to write your name in it though.)