Time for a Rant …

Yesterday I spent the 10 hours doing the lights for beauty pageant practice to be held at school.  I am tired, I am half deaf and I need to blow off some steam.  You, if you are willing to read all of this, will laugh and perhaps feel sorry for a few people, but will moreover help me to feel that this was not all in vain, for it entertained someone.

During my duties today, I witnessed practice for both a little girls group and an older girls group.  All of the contestants are vieing for the titles of “Little Miss Lumbee” for their particular age group.  Each pageant has two age groups, so after the crowning there will be four “Miss Lumbees”, total.

All of the contestants are Lumbee Indians, and the pageants are part of the “Lumbee Homecoming”.  The Lumbees are a Native American tribe that basically all live in this small area.  They tend to stick together and act rather clannish.  I’ve only had very limited conversation with a few people and then it seemed forced on their part.  I’m not sure what the reasoning is.  I do know, however, that despite the Southern drawl that we all have, or so I’m told, the Lumbees – or at least a vast majority – have an accent all their own.  And people … it’s thick.

Today I had to listen to a song by a six year contestant that goes something to this effect: “I love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck.”  It sounded more like, “I lub youuuuuuu, a boo-shall anna pickkkkk, a boo-shall anna pick, a boo-shall anna pick…”  It might even seem cute the first time, but there are eight choruses of that.  She had to sing it twice.  By the end of her second practice, the voices in my head were telling me to stab myself in the ear a boo-shall and a peck.

Evidently, great Lumbee minds think alike.  There are three contestants who sing THE SAME SONG.  All of them are various degrees off key, so at least that part has a little variety.  There is, of course, a girl singing “Save The Best For Last” and a girl singing “Time of My Life“.  Ironically, there is one older girl singing “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas.  This is the same girl that I am certain has had a boob job.

Several of the stereotypes are present at this event.  Stage left we see the prissy goody-two-shoes who performs “Amazing Grace” later in the pageant.  She is recognized easily by her red ribbon-held ponytail that swishes a little too deliberately and her pristine white shoes and socks.  If a spider were to drop down from the ceiling right now, she would be the one to pull a Little Miss Muffet act and run screaming to the technical director.

Stage right towards the back is the girl who is fighting her weight and dedicates her song to a family member, perhaps in hopes of a higher score.  She gets frustrated easily and is shining with sweat before the opening number is through.  Her mom is the one in audience screaming at her to stand up straight and to stop fidgeting with her shirt tail.  This poor little kid just wants some acceptance and a little love.

There is the girl who is terrified of being on stage by herself.  She grips the mic until her knuckles are white and screams out her song, finishing a good 12 seconds before the music does.  Miss Vaseline-Lips is there, smiling the whole time.  There is a girl who seems a bit too friendly with the emcee, and the one who performs solely for the judges booth.  Then, as I mention before, there is Boob-Job-Girl.  She bounces a lot and sports a really plastic smile to boot.

The reigning queens from each of the four age groups are present and it seems that each of them has an attitude from hell.  They are doing a talent spot, too.  This is where their having a year to get their act together shows.  This is also the part where the techies, myself included, get to witness the diva side of their personality.  The moms of these girls are often worse than the pint-sized replicas.  At least you know where they’re coming from.

Gray is on the sound board, and sitting beside me in the booth.  He has been doing this since Thursday afternoon.  He has had about a twenty hours more of this crap than he wants, but is learning a lot, so he doesn’t bitch too much.  We both roll our eyes at each other quite a bit, though.

“You can tell who has started performing oral sex”, he tells me in the middle of the talent section of the 15-21 year old segment.  There is a long pause.  I ask him how.  He replies, “They try to swallow the mic.”  I had to take a pee break after that.  There were a couple of examples that seemed to prove this theory to be correct.

I am not anorexic looking, like 95% of these contestants.  I get the craziest looks.  I overheard one girl saying, “I guess the big ones work behind the scenes.”  It was really a shame that her lights went on rather abruptly and had all of that red in them.  Darn … *wink*  I kind of feel sorry for the little brat (no offense to Xangans with the same name).  She’ll be my size at some point in her life and will no doubt be subject to little snotty fourteen year-old bitches with no hips saying nasty things about her, too.  Not that I am upset.  *rolls eyes*  On another note, this particular contestant seems scared to death of the microphone.  Yup.  She’s got a lot to learn.

Tomorrow is the real deal for the little tykes.  Friday night is show time for the older girls.  Thursday is their dress rehearsal.  God give me patience, a boo-shall anna pick of it.