Local Drivers
Dedicated to styxx374
Here in NC, we get all kinds of awful drivers. We get the ass-riders, the passing on the right sider people … all of the usual jerks. We also get the “Swivel Heads”, “Granny Fannies” and “Barney Badasses”.
“Swivel Heads”
These drivers plod on at 25 mph BELOW the posted limit and swivel their heads from left to right commiting every inch of their long journey to Ethel’s house to memory.
This drives me crazy. I just want to yell, “Hey, Buddy! It’s the SAME damn tree you saw yesterday morning. There are no new leaves … I’ve had time to count them! And there is no need to slow down while going past the trailer park. Scooter has the SAME truck on the SAME blocks in his momma’s front yard … just DRIVE ALREADY!”
“Granny Fannies”
In addition to the “Swivel Heads”, we get the “Granny Fanny”s. These precious little things leave the house once a week, on a schedule with every other little blue hair in the community. They can usually be spotted by their crocheted tissue holder in the back window or their local gospel station bumper sticker.
The grannies leave precisely at peak traffic time and venture out in the land yacths to the beauty parlor and the grocery store to buy cat food. They come to full stops at RXR crossings, left turns, right turns, yield signs, yellow lights, green lights, you name it. They test their brakes diligently. They leave their signal blinkers on for miles at a time, if they are actually EVER turned off.
“Barney Badass”
These mullet-wearing good ol’ boys travel about in redneck muscle cars, usually Bond-O gray in color. They have chosen to adorn their vehicle with one or all of the following distinguishing decorations: fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror, a silver naked woman profile emblem, a “Calvin pisssing” window cling, ‘Fear This’ propaganda, a bumper sticker suggesting cats as cuisine or Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
After the proper outer decorations have been added to the vehicle, these shining examples of all that is evil about incest drive down to the main road, smoke billowing in their wake. They ride as close to the car ahead of them as physically possible. Should that person tap her brakes to signal that they are close enough to see what she ate for breakfast, they lay on the horn and throw crude finger gestures out the windows of the car, unless said windows are constructed of plastic and tape.
Your local drivers explainations are awesome. I dont live in NY but I can totally relate….hehehe
The problem with the psychology of drivers is, that therre is no way to drive to a better world. In a perfect psychology-critque there has to be a way to be sane, but owning an auto, unless one is a rural resident, qualifies one as insane.
A ruralite is not used to trafick, so he is most sanely in posession of that vehicle, and most out of place, most open to critical abuse.
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And a fact of life I can not bear to leave unmentioned: A tree is beautiful every time you see it. No one can love anything unless he can see a tree again without seeing that he has seen it before.
Meditation is to get ready to see again; to get rid of having seen before. Without meditation (which nature’s creatures do by instinct) all relationships dwindle; all good vanishes into the past.
These are not objections; this is how I am enjoying reading your log, how I love. Addressing your soul may be alien to your thoughts, but I have no thoughts by which to address yours.
All bad drivers come originally from Atlanta.
I want to add one to that list.
“Slow Ass Drivers”
These drivers fear any kind of acceleration. They are still going 35 mph on the acceleration ramp 1/4th of a mile down the road. These drivers also refuse to drive over 55 in the passing lane (speedlimit is 65 here). On the rare chance that they exceed 55 mph, they stomp on the brake pedal. These drivers possess the rare ability to turn a mild-mannered courteous driver into a ass-riding, passing on the right, barney badass! (believe me…)
I need to add one as well: “Short-Cutters.”
These are the people that feel it is their responsibility to wait until you’re almost to them to finally pull out and cause you to slam on the brakes. They do this so that 5 seconds later, they can turn down the next corner.
Oh, I like your list better! I see I’m not the only one…
Hilarious! My best friend would certainly agree with Litboiler, having lived in Atlanta for a couple years.
I think there are terrible drivers everywhere. Here we have the maniac students who never learned to signal and zoom in and out of lanes in the desperate attempt to get to their destination ten seconds faster than me. Usually they get caught by a red light and I pull up next to them and grin at them.
And the little old lady phenom exists everywhere. And they always drive these huge ass cars.
How about the “Turn Signal Impaired”
There are several varieties.
1. The ones who weave in and out of traffic and their left turn signal remains on the entire time.
2.The ones who turn their signal on when the person in front of them is turning. Then, right as you try to go around them, they turn off their signal and speed back up.
3. The ones who cut in front of you and immediately turn, never even using a turn signal at all.
These are all so true. Especially here in Myrtle Beach. East Coast’s famous golf capital. Eeeekkkk.. they might can drive a ball, but they sure can’t drive their lexus’. *Shaking Head*
That was hilarious. Thank you! I am always AFRAID to drive in NYC after having experienced cabs and the way they drive. Here in the brush, we always say if we get behind a slow poke, “Look there is another one pointing out UsedTaBees.’
Being from Mississippi, I can relate. Oh, how I can relate. Especially to the Barney Badass.
Of course, here, you can add “Cool Man on Campus”. These are the teenage guys with big trucks *and bigger pipes* who stop in the middle of the street to shoot the breeze.
Meanwhile, I’m left with anger management problems. 🙂
-kh
lol@plastic and tape windows! the many times I’ve seen that.. heehee 😀