Reasons I Am Warped…
(a never-ending list, Part 1)

The Granparent Years
(Part 1)

From the ages of 3 to 9 I lived with my grandparents. My grandpa was basically Archie Bunker without the comedic flair. My grandma defies description, but part of her ‘thing’ was the drugs she was/is on. It’s something that she takes for seizures. Whatever it is, it has kept her hair from growing for over 20 years. (Yeah … I know what you’re thinking, she’s got the good stuff … pass the bottle, granny! Oh, you know I’m kidding …)

In their house all sorts of odd rules were imposed according to their church’s stance on things. These phenomana were described to us as “It just ain’t right …” True logic was always used in this house, lemme tell ya …

“It just ain’t right” #1: No music was allowed other than gospel with the exception of the only two albums they owned. The first was ‘Gene Autrey sings “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”‘, and the second was ‘Boxcar Willie’s Greatest Hits’. This alone could be a source for such a ‘warped’ session, but I digress.

“It just ain’t right” #2: No violent, ethnically diverse or non-Baptist TV programming. Both grandparents were racists. How should I put this … let’s just say I was never allowed to watch ‘The Jeffersons’ or ‘The Cosby Show’. I am amazed that I was allowed to watch ‘I Love Lucy’, one of the only saving graces of my childhood, to be sure!

We couldn’t watch ‘The Smurfs’ (spell casting, a cat named after a demon, etc.), anything with a gun in it (other than Andy Griffith), anything with a remote possibility of showing violence, really … (By the way, this did not ‘shelter’ me from evil, it simply made me a wide-eyed target for evil.) I have never understood their logic on the Andy Griffith thing. I mean, Barney shot himself in the foot every other episode … I guess self-inflicted violence is okay … hmmmm …

(to be continued …)