Adventures On eBay
Wanna butter me up? I really, really like this …
Month: July 2002
Print Shop Stories
Please Meet My Cusband and My Kids
Bobbie married her first cousin, Jim. They were from all accounts a reasonably happy couple, incest laws not-withstanding. We dubbed Jim the cusband and wondered if this pairing was the reason for Bobbie’s kid’s problems.
Yep, that’s right – Bobbie had kids. Two children, in fact – a girl named Barbara and a boy we knew only by the nickname Scooter. We came to learn later that Scooter was the name, sadly enough, printed on his birth certificate.
Barbara was introduced to people in what I think was an effort to not have to pay people health benefits. If you could continue working there after meeting her you deserved the chance to receive lower rates on medical coverage and a co payment plan. I’m sure she sent more than a few fickle employee candidates running over the years.
Barbara was a troll. I swear she tried to charge me to walk down the hall once, mumbling something about a goat. I’m not sure what was going on with that. She was a plump girl with long stringy hair that she liked to flip back behind her, revealing more of the face that only her mother could love. She had no neck to speak of and shuffled instead of walking.
Scooter was also an ample fellow and autistic. He was left sitting out in the car while Bobbie ran in to check on something and would sit there rocking back and forth in the car. The whole car lunged. If not for an obviously strong but strained parking brake, he would have rolled down the parking lot into the adjacent woods.
One story that Bobbie told was that if she were ever going to have grand kids she would have to lock Scooter and Barbara in a room together. This was not only frightening from an incest point of view, but YIKES! The poor kids!
Scooter met me late one night as Bobbie drug the fam through the shop, a trip she should have charging admission to and passing out popcorn for. He shook my hand, turned to his mom and said, “I gotta take a shit.” Wow. You know the old adage about first impressions …
The Best Of
Tales of Domestic Bliss
most recent to oldest
Swirly’s Six
Favorite Ways To Goof Off
1 writing on Xanga – duh!
2 thinking up baby names for the day long from now when that happens
3 playing The Sims
4 artsy fartsy projects
5 window shopping on eBay
6 emailing my friend, Gina
True Confession
I run around the house naked more often than not. My mom said when I was a wee little thing, one or two, and the doorbell rang she had to find me, put my clothes on and then answer the door.
Not much has changed. The doorbell rings or there is a sharp rap at the door and I’m scrambling, looking for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Hey, at least now I wear a bra. I guess I have improved a little.
Swirly’s Six
Things I Did This Past Weekend With My Mother-in-Law
1 went shopping at Crabtree Valley Mall
2 water aerobics & playing in the pool
3 watched “There’s Something About Mary”
4 had a private therapy session with ice cream
5 got a haircut
6 went to visit her mother
Print Shop Stories
Bobbie (or What A Colorful World)
Bobbie was the 2nd shift pre-press manager, basically the big guru for nights. She was an odd lady in personality, speech and appearance. The appearance was the part that got ya though. It was pretty evident that she was both color blind and shopping at yard sales for clothing.
One particular night Bobbie came in to work wearing red from head to toe. There were seven shades in all, not counting her purse, which was yet another lovely hue. The outfit by itself was quite hideous but the color was a bit over the top. (And it’s not that I’m into making fun of people’s clothes, but if you are in a management position you really should strive to look professional or at the very least non-color-blind.)
During dinner one night Bobbie related the now infamous tale that is know as “Bobbie’s Dinner Story.” Bobbie told a group of people in the breakroom one night, during dinner, of how her and her husband, Jim, had decided to have sex on the washing machine while she was in her orange crotchless panties. It was a great weight loss tactic for those lucky employees trying eat during the tale. Bobbie never lived down and it was quite a hoot for all of us first shifters the next morning.
Swirly’s Six
Tastes I Dislike
1 licorice
2 cinnamon – artificial, ie. those little heart shaped hot candies
3 Mello-Yello
4 cooked cabbage
5 TheraFlu
6 beets
Swirly’s Six
Books Not On My Summer Reading List
1 The Hits: Lyrics To My Most Thought Provoking Songs
by Kid Rock
2 Men I Haven’t Blamed For My Failing Career
by Mariah Carey
3 How Not To Be Typecast
by Steven Segal
4 The Actor’s Guide To Great Accents
by Keaneu Reeves
5 Making Marriage Last
by Elizabeth Taylor with intro by Larry King
6 How To Convey Thoughts Without Analogies: Like When You Need To Tell Someone Something Without Giving Them Examples Or Something Like That
by George W. Bush
(as usual – a Swirly Original List)
Swirly’s Six
Things I Would Never Wear
1 gold or silver little-old-lady-going-to-Atlantic-City shoes
2 tube top
3 anything with a bow on the butt of it
4 mumu
5 sequined anything
6 I’m With Stupid T-shirt