Month: August 2002

Swirly’s Six
Thoughts Two Days Into The Fall Semester

1 Does this mean it is going to cool down outside soon?

2 Who is the fool that signed me up for MWF classes at 8AM? Oh … that’s right.

3 I’ll be glad when the first week is over and the freshmen learn how to NOT bathe in cologne.

4 How long will I be able to bribe that lady doing the Honor Roll submissions before she grows tired of twenty-dollar-bills and cinnamon rolls?

5 I’m glad to see all of the other freaks in the art department again.

6 When is Christmas break starting again?

Ways To Kill Time Online
http://www.hairytongue.com/

Search through the archives of hangover and drunken stupor pics for your special-occasion-and/or-blackmail needs. Wait – was that the boss?

Swirly’s Six
Most Dreaded Personality Types

1 religious zealot who tries to convert people by acting holier-than-thou and pretending that their shit not only doesn’t stink but that it grows some special kind of flowers that prove that they are more in tune with God’s plan than you

2 ex-military dad who tries to whip everyone into shape by being an overbearing SOB and spends his free time drinking and devising more painful paddle bluelines

3 the young guy who gets married and then decides that he was not quite mature/old/settled enough to stop sleeping with other people so he starts cheating on his non suspecting wife and then turns to drugs/alcohol/abusive behavior when the guilt gets to him

4 the “I drive a more expensive car and therefore I am a better person” yuppie putz

5 “I’m an old white conservative bigot who hates anyone that is not my clone or that I can not control” and the equally obnoxious “you think you’re too good for me cuz you went and got ed-u-ma-kated” ignorant redneck with not a chip but a redwood on his/her shoulder

6 the woman that thinks she is more evolved and in touch with the universe because she birthed half a litter of children before she was legally old enough to drink

Emailed Joke
Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

Blaming your farts on me…not funny.

Yelling at me for barking… I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!

How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?

Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.

Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

The sleight of hand, fake fetch – throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

Behind The Scenes
What Is That Profile Pic?

A shot of Betty Page, colored to match my color scheme. For those of you who are not familiar with Miss Page, I know something that you don’t. Nan-a-nanna-boo-boo.

Mom,

I’ve suspected you since a few days of your signing on. I’m not using your “blogging name” in this, nor will I “blow your cover”. I do wonder why you are using the anonymity of a Xanga name to mask who you are and why you offer advice under the guise of being a stranger.

If I wanted you to be part of my life I would have tried calling you or emailing you again. If you really wanted to be part of my life you would have been civil the last few times I tried to communicate with you. Instead you have proved just how little you care by blasting me in several emails and, on the last occasion, yelling at me on the phone before hanging up.

I wish that you would (a) butt out of my life or (b) at least have the nerve to contact me as yourself and not some anonymous person online.

I am your daughter – treat me at least as well as you would any other human being. Now is as good a time as any to start this. Drop the “holier-than-thou” facade. Meet where I am in life – here and now – not where you would be if you were me or where you think I should be. I am a great person with lots of ideas and hopes and dreams. Either step up to the plate and embrace them with me or stop snooping in through the computer screen. It’s worth the effort if you are willing to put any forth.

Jennifer

Emails To Gina

I email my fellow art geek friend, Gina, the oddest things. Here is one example from June’s archive. Enjoy!

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WELCOME TO MUCUS LAND, WHERE YOUR MONEY ISN’T THE ONLY THING TO BLOW!

Not that you wanted to know this I’m sure, but I feel like my body consists entirely of snot. I had to take to NyQuil last night to get to sleep and then I was up every fifteen to twenty minutes. It’s been a looooooooooooooooong day. I think I’ll have to pass on tomorrow simply for the reason of trying to my system of all of this gunk.

HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH PICKEY NOSE!

I’m glad to hear/read about your hours next week. I’ll call you so we can figure out a good day for me to come up and all of that jazz. I’m looking forward to it! I should be over this garbage by then.

COME TO THE HANKY HUT FOR ALL OF YOUR FILM & TISSUE NEEDS!

{In other news, did you hear that Kleenex stock shot up 15 points this week? Similarly Scott and DayQuil stock have risen. Will Campbell’s follow suit?}

COME RIDE OUR NEW FEATURE – THE REGURGITATED RAPIDS!

Okay, I’m outta here. My dear hubby is making me something to eat despite my lack of appetite. Maybe it’ll open up my sinuses, or the way I feel right now, maybe it will stop them up for a second and give me a break!

PARENTS WILL ENJOY DINNER FOR TWO AT CAPTAIN NASAL NUGGETS!

(By the way, I’m so glad that your computer is up and running. I’ve really enjoyed being able to chat back and forth like this. It’s kept me from the brink of insanity quite a few times.)

DON’T LEAVE WITHOUT A STOP AT OUR GIFT SHOP, SINUS CENTRAL!

See ya soon … Jenn

P.S. I’ve been reading Martha Stewart’s “Good Things” online. HELP!

Behind The Scenes
What Is That Profile Pic?

A Buddhist statue that I mutated in Photoshop. Another foiled-eBay-auction-turned-Photoshop-plaything. I should lose auctions more often! I’m sure Gray would agree with me on this point.

BTW: All profile pics shown in this feature are among my own 15 rotating profile images.
Each time you reload my Xanga page a new one should show up in the top left corner.

Ways To Kill Time Online

Browse the cards at Hallmark. I found this gem there:

Midnight Serenade

Odd things seem to happen to me all of the time. I can usually joke about it, and perhaps that is why my friend Misty wants me to get my own TV show. That and she’ll want comp seats. Greedy, greedy, greedy. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Weird stuff.

I am currently sitting in the 24 lab – again – and there are paper-thin walls in here. Obviously next door there is an office that has a microwave. Right now somebody is heating up something that smells of old tacos and singing, “I believe in miracles/Where you from/You sexy thing”…

I’m thinking that either he was listening to the oldies station or the man really has a thing for Tupperware. Either way, it’s time for me to go home.