Behind The Scenes
What Is That Profile Pic?
Yours truly, in all of my baby-fat chubby glory. That’s right, people! The goddess of love and all that is good on eBay is here!
(BTW: All profile pics shown in this feature are among my own 15 rotating images. Each time you reload this page a new one should show up.)
The Google Game
“the place reeked of”
For those new to the game, this is how it works: I pick a phrase and go to Google. I type it in the search box, with quote marks around it, like so: “the place reeked of” … I then search through the returns for interesting snippets and copy them into a new blog. I add my smart remarks to them, now color-coded for your reading ease, and voila! A new game is born.
The place reeked of decades’ worth of spilled beer, soaked into multiple pieces of scrounged carpet, the original had long since rotted away. But no one ever said that visiting the in-laws would be pleasant, so Sally stepped over her future brother-in-law, lying passed out in the floor and shook hands with Ricky’s dad.
The place reeked of urine and a terrible perfume they sprayed to mask it. But members of that congregation and I couldn’t stay away. This was a traditional tent revival, after all, and the first person to leave got branded. No one wanted a scar like that for life. We all made our way carefully to the altar and said earnest prayers for deliverance. That deliverance was not to come that night and the next morning, Harold walked away crying and rubbing his behind slowly.
The place reeked of home. The aroma reached out to the landing, put its arms around me and walked me through the front door. Yup, burnt dinner on the stove and cigarette smoke – all of the comforts of home without the usual soundtrack of fighting and barking hunting dawgs! I opened the fridge, downed a Bud and banged it on the kitchen table, shattering glass everywhere. Yes, this was now my home.
The place reeked of farm fertilizer, but at our picnic tables we were not dissuaded. Oh, Idahoans, please remember the fragrant breeze of Lewiston in summer. The breeze that dissuaded even the ants from attending and gently flavored our potato salad with something new, unusual and alarming. Yes, Lewiston in the summer – the summer of vast food poisoning and bleeding nostrils. Ahhh … the photos stashed away in my scrapbook for that afternoon!
They had a wild party with a band while I was there – at 1 am the place reeked of sweat and coconut oil. There was also on the air that night a faint breeze of KY Jelly and baked goods. Purely coincidental, though. Or so the guest thought at first.
The place reeked of record execs and Hollywood wanna be’s. A smell far worse than garbage and old, stagnant water – the cologne of desperation!
The place reeked of it and the sounds of moans and groans as numerous rods pounded countless openings. Yes, my summer job at the furniture factory caused more than one lonely man to resort to earplugs, lest he lose his sanity in the break room.
The Google Game
“as soon as I saw his face I knew”
As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was in a yam.
(Or in a jam. Yum. Strawberry jam. Now would that be so bad?)
As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was very serious and dedicated in his practice.
(Well, that and the sign hanging above his office door that said “I am very serious and dedicated in my practice.”)
As soon as I saw his face, I knew something terrible was wrong.
(There was no way that Lurlene meant to set me up with my own brother. Or did she?)
As soon as I saw his face, I knew he didn’t mean no harm, so I told him to watch who he was coming up on like that and told him to go home.
(Never scare a deer hunter while wearing a replica of deer antlers.)
As soon as I saw his face, I knew he came to ask me to sell him my shares in Yomiuri Land Co, Ltd.
(But I would not sell that day. Or the next. Or the next. Or the next. Or the next. But then stock prices started to plummet so I sold them. But I was mad about it.)
I didn’t even realize that Mackie was Mackie because he has gotten so tall and his hair is really dark, but as soon as I saw his face, I knew.
(He had that same Mackie scowl. He also still had “stoopid” written on his forehead from our last 4H trip. I guess Mackie never got over his fear of the shower head.)
Brain was just looking at me in disbelief, as soon as I saw his face, I knew I had to fill him in with all my life adventures and experiences.
(And as soon as he saw the look on my face he said, “I don’t want to hear it,” and walked away quickly.)
And as soon as I saw his face I knew that he had plans and he was using Crow as his assassin.
(And then just like that I woke up. So, whaddya think, doc? Am I crazy?)
Behind The Scenes
What Is That Profile Pic?
A Barbie head that begged me for a Glamour Shot. I cropped out the God-awful-big-brooch-looking earrings that they always make people wear in those things. She seemed really happy with the shots, but her check bounced. Lousy Mattel sellout.
Art of the Day
Artist: Gustav Klimt
Title: Friederike Maria Beer
Date: 1916
Medium: oil on canvas
Size: 168 x 130
Currently Housed: private collection
For More Info: visit this site.
Swirly’s Time Line The summer before fourth grade started, it was the first time I didn’t ride down the road with Grandma, my legs sticking to the car seat. I don’t really remember getting my class assignment, only that Jason Fox was STILL in there – again. I was so upset. When would I ever get rid of that leech? School Daze I had a teacher named Mr. Howard who had insane amounts of nose hair protruding from both nostrils. He yelled and threw desks and preached in class. He got fired the year after I was in his room, and the last time I saw him he was running the TRAM at the NC Zoo in Asheboro. I memorized a poem called “Sam McGee” so that our class could get an extra PE hour. I still remember bits and pieces of it. I remember see-sawing with Lisa in the backyard while I tried in commit it to memory. I found a copy of the words here. On The Home Front We celebrated because when he was in the house, it was pretty tense. He was always mad about something and Lisa and I often found ourselves the target of his rage. He would beat us with his belt for pretty much no reason at all or simply trivial things. My mom didn’t defend us. I guess she was mentally or emotionally too weak to do anything. Maybe she didn’t want to be his target. Paul was also making it painfully clear that his little boy, William, could do no wrong. The preferential treatment started almost with birth. The little boy he threatened to kill was now the apple of his eye. It was his little boy. And like he kept reminding me, and would for years, I was not his child. “I’m not your daddy, but you’ll treat me like I am.” Airing Dirty Laundry On one occasion I remember Paul and mom fighting and he called her a ‘whore’. My vocabulary was limited at that point, but through my school-bus-education I knew that was a horrible thing for him to call her. I yelled at him, “No one calls my mom a whore – Not even you!” I knew I was going to get punished, but I was so sick of seeing him run all over her. She was so fragile and weak and I didn’t want to see her hurt anymore. I guess in a lot of ways I tried to distract him from her. I tried to channel his anger from her. It worked – a little too well. Soon I was his exclusive target. And where was my backup? Where was my protector? No where to be found.
4th grade – part 1
I was still enrolled in the AG program with the too-weird-for-words Mrs. Hice. Her spider fetish continued and even flowered that year as we made gold spider ornaments to compliment the silver one from the previous year. Michelle was still in my class and we were almost inseparable. I made a few new friends, but it was kinda hard. I was considered a nerd. And I was painfully shy.
Speaking of home, things were starting to go downhill with Paul. I’m not sure of the exact timing, but somewhere in this area of time he had an accident and got a DUI. His licence was taken away and he had to do the “weekend jail” thing for a while. At first my mom told us he was working, but I eventually found out the truth. We celebrated by eating fish sticks and french fries and being silly.
I remember that at 10 I started hanging out laundry. I did it because I wanted to be “grown up” and to help out my mom. I got stuck doing it until I left home. All of the hot, sweaty days standing barefoot in the back yard, wooden clothespins clamped to the bottom of my shirt. My mom told me that when I got older that I would hang my clothes out to dry, too, to save money on the electric bill. Mom – I don’t.
Behind The Scenes
What Is That Profile Pic?
Gustav Klimt’s painting titled “Emily Flöge”, a portrait of one of his close friends. (Click here for an image of the subject and the artist.) Klimt was a very creative artist and inspired me to start collage and expand my palette. Well, that and to not name my son Gustav. Geez, that had to be fun in 3rd grade.
Caption Game
part 6
(click on image to enlarge)
Leave your witty quips in the comments section. Have fun!
The Google Game
“Jennifer wants to”
Jennifer wants to finish school and go to a good college. (No, Jennifer wants to finish college and get her master’s degree.)
Jennifer wants to have it both ways. (Depends on what it is. If it is bacon bits or croutons, I do want it both ways.)
Jennifer wants to marry Brad Pitt after her contract expires. (Actually, he doesn’t do that much for me.)
Jennifer wants to be a lawyer, but for now, she’s a great young lady who goes to college and also holds a full-time job at nights. (Then most likely Jennifer is used to not having a life and wants to work her future away in exchange for an SUV and house too big for one person. Kinda sad, huh?)
Jennifer wants to ensure her classmates have a nutritious breakfast every morning. (I really don’t care either way, as long as they don’t try to steal my Mountain Dew.)
Jennifer wants to know, “Do any animals live down in the deepest part of lakes?” (The part where my biological father now lives? With the other scum suckers?)
Jennifer wants to believe he is motivated by more than media attention, yet small actions lead her to believe the worst. (Like the fact that he sends out his own Neilson ratings.)
Jennifer wants to know more about grasshoppers. (Or not.)
Jennifer wants to take both “Write Your Own Mystery Story” and “The Science Behind Magic.” (I would like the writing thing. I’m not too big on magic tricks, though. The closest thing I can do to magic is go a month without bouncing any checks or getting a utility cut off! Now THAT’S a class that should be offered!)
Jennifer wants to do anything she can do to improve the self-esteem of people. (Perhaps this could be my future platform if I ever lose 100 lbs. and decide to enter the pageant circuit.)
Jennifer wants to draw him out and let him talk. (And she wants to … hehehe.)
Jennifer wants to be bold and free like her tigers in her tapestry. (This is just imagery.)
Jennifer wants to develop a new sports beverage. (It’s called “Give It Up and Take A Nap”, available soon in all Texaco stations!)
Jennifer wants to hire detective Owen McKenna to look into the death which she believes was a murder. (I really do, because the idiot beside me here in the computer lab is KILLING this song. Aaauuugggghhhh!)
True Confession
When I was a kid growing up under the steady glare of the grandparents, during the church days, I was beat in the head with the “rapture” sermon.
Occasionally, then and throughout my life, I would wake up and not find anyone in the house. I used to run around frantic that the rapture had indeed taken place and that I had been left behind, beating myself -mentally- in the head for all of my rotten deeds.